When I started this blog, it served simply as a place to record playlists for “Jennifer’s Garden” and a rare random thought. At some point, I began posting more regularly about surf and family – an extension of my “Learning to Surf” essays. Because my memory fails me so often – I’m too busy dealing with the moment to do well with past (or future for that matter) – this blog has become a sort of repository for moments I want to remember. Unfortunately for the people that read this blog (not too many, but I was surprised that anyone did), I often just spew stuff out, thinking I’ll return later and write better. When I write for an audience, for readers, I focus on the craft of writing as much as the content, hoping to produce something pleasurable. That’s not always the case here. Sometimes I just yank the thoughts out of my head and throw them onto the screen. Rather like the difference between folding the laundry and putting it away properly, and pulling the clothes out of the dryer and dumping the pile on the bed. (Yes, laundry is the first great metaphor of my life.)
So, I apologize for that.
When I wrote that first vacation post, I was thinking how Nick’s being gone has felt like I’m missing some vital internal organ, yet in one small way has been a relief. A week of not thinking about carbs, blood sugar and insulin has let my brain relax, recoup. But the guilt that accompanies that relief, the fear that admitting that relief will reveal what a cold-hearted mother I am… There’s something there I’d like to put into better words.
When I wrote about how much I’m enjoying not having to do radio for a week, I was thinking about how suicidal I felt last year, frustrated with being home and still not accomplishing the goals I’d set. Taking the job at KSLG cured that – and despite the different sort of stress working more has caused, the extra money (and fun) has been a boon. This sounds so cliché to me like this, but again, there’s something there.
When I wrote about K’s softball, behind that was a slew of emotion, description, experiences I don’t even have a minute to get to right now.
It’s good to keep the ingredients around, right? In case one day I have a moment to bake?