Why is it always?

Late at night. When I’ve roused myself from the futon where I’ve fallen asleep watching yet another DVD, brushed my teeth, washed and lotioned my hands and want nothing more than to stagger to and collapse in bed that Nick’s blood sugar, upon what is supposed to be the last check of the day, has dropped below safe and acceptable? Why is it always in the middle of the night that I must struggle to raise it when during the day it’s been either high or when it’s been low, the number has shot right up over 100, making the panic short-lived? Why is it that when my eyes ache with exhaustion, my knees twinge from exertion, my neck feels weary from the act of holding my head up all day long that caring for Nick’s diabetic condition threatens to wear me out? 56… 58… 68… Forty-five minutes of waiting. Long enough to be reminded: What if something happens, something that makes acquiring his insulin, his glucose meter strips, impossible? What then? An earthquake happened today. What if it had knocked out computers, left us unable to prove his medicine is covered by California Children’s Services? What happens when the state runs out of money?

Daytime buoys me, keeps me treading in optimistic waters. In the nighttime, though, my worries ripen.

2 thoughts on “Why is it always?”

  1. I stay up late sometimes not because I’m busy (though I am) but because I don’t want to think when I go to bed–I want to fall asleep before the worries bury me in a thick hot mound.

  2. I’ve had some of those nights, and the problem is that you can get into a loop going from one source of anxiety to another. My mother’s health, my kids’ education, finances, business problems, what if I have cancer and don’t even know it, what if an asteroid’s on it’s way to crash into the planet? Okay, I don’t really worry about the last one and the second to last only occasionally due to a false alarm I had some years back. But it would be nice if the anxiety part of the brain would shut down before the optimistic part when you’re trying to fall asleep.

    And my immediate issues are nothing like yours.

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