At this point, it’s more like, “Wow, sure got up early today!” but I spent an hour lying in bed wishing I could go back to sleep and wondering what the hell is wrong with me that I can’t sleep, seemingly ever, and I’m going to lose my mind from either sleep deprivation or the worrying that not sleeping allows, or maybe both, and in any case, it’s unfair because I did everything right: I started yesterday early, I went to the gym, I didn’t drink alcohol, I drank nice herbal teas in the evening, I spent an hour reading (paper not a screen) before bed, I didn’t go to bed too early or too late, I practiced meditating, I expressed gratitude, I made a charitable donation to a friend’s fundraiser, I had several perfectly nice social interactions, I ate yogurt and avocado (not together) and to all appearances my children are alive and well, and we have enough money that we’re not going to lose our home and I like my job and I spent an hour as a volunteer reader in my friend’s kid’s class and loved having a chance to read from Light in the Attic again (they seemed cool with it, too) and even my achy knees have been feeling better and I really, really, really want to sleep so that I can wake up and dawn patrol because being tired while surfing, even if my knees aren’t too achy, is no fun at all, although not as bad as just lying in bed the riddled with anxiety, replaying old conversations, making up new ones, imagining and trying not to imagine phone calls alerting me to disaster befallen one of my far-flung children – having children is truly an invitation to heartbreak and I don’t understand why people would put themselves on the line like this – and so after an hour of tossing, of turning, of nudging Bobby for snoring, well, here I am, unloading onto a screen once again.

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