At this point, it’s more like, “Wow, sure got up early today!” but I spent an hour lying in bed wishing I could go back to sleep and wondering what the hell is wrong with me that I can’t sleep, seemingly ever, and I’m going to lose my mind from either sleep deprivation or the worrying that not sleeping allows, or maybe both, and in any case, it’s unfair because I did everything right: I started yesterday early, I went to the gym, I didn’t drink alcohol, I drank nice herbal teas in the evening, I spent an hour reading (paper not a screen) before bed, I didn’t go to bed too early or too late, I practiced meditating, I expressed gratitude, I made a charitable donation to a friend’s fundraiser, I had several perfectly nice social interactions, I ate yogurt and avocado (not together) and to all appearances my children are alive and well, and we have enough money that we’re not going to lose our home and I like my job and I spent an hour as a volunteer reader in my friend’s kid’s class and loved having a chance to read from Light in the Attic again (they seemed cool with it, too) and even my achy knees have been feeling better and I really, really, really want to sleep so that I can wake up and dawn patrol because being tired while surfing, even if my knees aren’t too achy, is no fun at all, although not as bad as just lying in bed the riddled with anxiety, replaying old conversations, making up new ones, imagining and trying not to imagine phone calls alerting me to disaster befallen one of my far-flung children – having children is truly an invitation to heartbreak and I don’t understand why people would put themselves on the line like this – and so after an hour of tossing, of turning, of nudging Bobby for snoring, well, here I am, unloading onto a screen once again.


3 thoughts on “insomni-uhhhhhh”

  1. We choose imagining worst-case scenarios and “should-a, could-a”… or, we choose living in the moment. Allowing the stillness of night and the restoration of rest to envelope & comfort us is a good thing. Trying to sleep with a snorer… isn’t. Earplugs for you, a down pillow for him (to raise his head w/o cramping his neck). Alcohol, the silent sleep depriver, baby. Made my now-ex snore like a train. I never drank & slept like a rock. I left after he added opiates to “cure” his sleep deprivation…

  2. Hi Jen,

    I understand your frustration only too well.

    After years of insomnia and trying herbal tea and other things (yoga for me) that you mentioned, I went to a fine local doctor. After I told him I was not on any medications and healthy, he said, “I want to prescribe sleep medication for you.” When I resisted, he said, “This will be a relatively low dose and there will be minimal side effects. The worst part is that you will feel more drowsy in the mornings. After a strong cup of coffee, you’ll be fine. You need sleep.”

    Ten years later, I’m still taking sleep medication and I sleep very soundly 95 percent of the time, even when my life is highly stressful. And I do wake up quite drowsy. Strong coffee in the morning is my friend.

    In my opinion, there are a lot of worse things in life to do than take a sleeping pill, or half of one each night. Just my two cents.

  3. I suggest doing research on consequences from long term ‘sleep medication’…there are many things worse…insomnia is self-limiting, in my experience, and learning techniques to help without a prescription is better for you in the long run.

    Running to a pill bottle for the difficulties of life is big business.

    Been there, done that, and still paying for it a year and a half after quitting the meds….my doc also said, ‘O it’s such a small amount…’ and the harm it’s caused has been life changing.

    There’s plenty of information out there; follow the money when assessing it.

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