on Salon’s forgiveness column

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I read this column by Mary Elizabeth Williams – “My imperfect forgiveness project: How writing a memoir forced me to deal with old resentments on forgiveness a couple days ago and have been thinking about it since” – a couple days ago, and it’s stayed on my mind since. Like this part, which was instantly familiar:

And I felt freshly stung by the people I had loved and trusted who hadn’t been [steadfast and kind]. That’s when I realized I had to get to work.

So I gathered a bunch of friends together for some drinks and a healthy reality check of the abundance I do have. I worked more consciously on keeping a daily gratitude list, one of the easiest and most life changing things a person can do to feel good. I made a concerted effort to find opportunities for small acts of generosity I could do for others. And I asked a few wise friends how they have gotten through their own hardest moments of resentment and betrayal.

I wrote about forgiveness myself, back around Christmas, a column that prompted several positive emails and Facebook messages (and was also referred to in a Craigslist rant as “one of the saddest things I have ever read”). My first point, that you don’t have to forgive someone, especially if you’re a woman who’s been conditioned to always be the peacemaker, often at your own expense – this troubled some people, despite my later emphasis that we don’t get to be bitter and my agreement with the larger notion of forgiveness as a way to bring peace to ourselves. What I was fighting against with that opening salvo is this pressure we put people under – You Must Forgive! – as if one can wave her hand, announce, “It is done!” and then move through the world like Ben Kingsley playing Gandhi, all grace and bliss and impervious to the lesser emotions.

Williams writes this:

Forgiveness is a long process, one that takes place in fits and starts, one that often occurs without ever even hearing the words “I’m sorry.”

And that, that bit about “fits and starts,” so important. We have this romantic notion that we should be able to turn our lives on a dime. You know, this kind of stuff: “And then one day I woke up and decided it was time to be the person I wanted to be and from that day forward, I have been patient and kind, rich and thin, happy forevermore.” And sure, people have epiphanies from time to time, find God, quit drinking, discover the outdoors, and can pinpoint their new selves to a particular moment. But even when a specific event triggers the desire for change or the need for forgiveness, incorporating it into one’s busy life, overcoming one’s default programming, isn’t easy.

I spend a lot of my time wondering why human beings struggle so much to make what are clearly better choices – why do we order French fries if we’re hoping to lose weight? Why do we have a third drink when we know in the morning we’ll regret the blurriness of the night? Why do we peruse Zappo’s when we’ve told ourselves that we must pay off our credit card debt? Why do we stop and clean the house in the morning instead of running out to the beach when the later is clearly the one that brings us joy? (By “human beings,” I mean, of course, “me.”)

Changing habits is hard. Changing who you are is even harder. Grudge-holding runs in my family and overcoming that impulse is something that I’ve only been able to do successfully because I’m already too busy to remember what I meant to pick up at the Co-op, much less recall if I’m supposed to actively resent the person I’m passing in the canned beans aisle. Also I’ve grown up enough to realize that if people judged me on a sole act or impression, I’d likely have far fewer friends; humbled, I try to return the favor.

As Williams writes:

We all have things we need forgiveness for, and we probably have things we don’t even know we need forgiveness for. I’m sure I haven’t won any gold medals at the Sensitivity Olympics in my time. And remembering that keeps pain from turning into self-righteousness.

Ah, the slip into self-righteousness – it pains me to admit that’s a path I’ve slid down a few times for sure. The initial foray comes from a place of wanting, desperately, to be understood. If I can explain why something hurt/offended/damaged me in a way that hits home within the person I’m explaining to, then I’ll know my feelings are valid and that I have a friend on my side.

And I think that’s okay, this wanting to check in about my own reactions, to get perspective, to assess who I am and who my friends are. But if not done well, the discussion can turn into an argument about who is right – and if you’ve already been wounded, having to defend the fact that you’re clearly bleeding from someone else stabbing you, feels insane. Likewise, if you’ve been raised to be polite about the fact you’re bleeding all over the place, the effort of speaking up about it might take all your bravery and leave you unable to continue rising to defend yourself.

To find oneself in the position of saying, “I’m a victim and you suck for not getting it,” frustrates in so many ways. If you’re not the sort of person who revels in victimhood, for example. If you’re keenly aware of your own imperfections. If you care about navigating through life’s challenges with as much grace as you can muster.

Williams sums up:

I have to keep putting into practice, every day, the three toughest challenges of my adult life: patience, acceptance, mercy. It doesn’t mean letting toxic people into our lives, or forgetting the past. It just means putting pain and anger and disappointment in its place, and moving forward.

And I love that, too – her words reflect my own feelings and the complexity of forgiveness. To practice “patience, acceptance, mercy” does not require embracing those who’ve detracted from your life or pretending things that happened, didn’t. You get to make the call, every day, of who and what is worth your attention – I’m particularly keen on the who – and that’s the key. As the story goes, don’t feed the hate wolf.

It’s early in the day yet and I have two beach cleanups and a big nonprofit party to attend, all full of good people doing good work. Later I have a best friend’s party to go to, then maybe some kickass live music with my husband. A lot of work and logistical planning awaits as part of all this, but I’m optimistic the happy moments along the way will be worth the effort – today and all days, I strive to move forward.

surf session #10: tiny plastics (not fun), small waves (fun)

Thousands of tiny pieces of plastic, a few millimeters in diameter littered the sand, dotted the seaweed left strewn by the tide.

We were combing Point St. George’s beach for trash and anything that might have washed up from the 2011 Japan tsunami. This included part of a buoy, several plastic water bottles, a lot of rope bits and other random debris – several buckets’ worth of garbage. But the microplastics defeated us – too numerous and too small for us to make any but the slightest dent.

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All fun and games until someone loses an…

In the meantime, the sun shone, a light northwest breeze picked up and the tide swelled in. Conditions looked promising for our next move – a quick surf at South Beach. We’d been warned that a jet ski contest might compromise our good time and parked at the north end to minimize any interaction. (The controversy over the contest had resulted in poor attendance, which worked out very well for us.)

Bobby came out with me for the first time in months and, of course, caught a wave within a few minutes of paddling outside. I envied his easy athleticism for a moment, then was awash in happiness to see him having a good time. I caught plenty of my own waves, easy waist-high, longboardy rights that seemed like they might fade out, but kept peaking back up until I was almost to shore. Ridiculously fun.

I watched a couple preteen girls catch whitewater on softtops and flashed back to all the times we’d brought our kids and their friends to South Beach. Nostalgia threatened to flatten me for a moment. Oh, my little children! Now all grown up and catching waves in Santa Cruz, Santa Barbara. I miss them, miss surfing with them. But glad they took this gift I was able to give them out into the world. I smiled, and paddled for the next wave.

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It’s taken me a week to get around to chronicling this!

I wonder how different my experience would be if I’d started surfing as a child. Would I be less hesitant, less hung-up? Or is that just an unshakeable part of how my brain is wired? Given how much I love being in the ocean, why would I ever sit on the beach thinking, “Oh, I don’t know. It’s cold. Look at all those people. Ugh.”?

The ghost of the shy kid I was lingers.

Another truth: One’s comfort zone is determined by the regularity of engaging in the activity. When I’m surfing daily, the hesitation fades – I’m tugging on my suit while sizing up the waves, perhaps unsure how it will be, but not going ceases being part of the conversation. I paddle for more waves, sit deeper, assert myself better.

And given the burgeoning crowd at my favorite spot, there’s no room for anything less than the confident taking of a wave. Given a choice, I’d ask for a nice day full of head-high rights and the occasional overhead set with me and maybe six familiar faces in the water. Reality, on this day, was overhead lefts, no rights to speak of (but the lefts were glorious) and about 35 people crammed into a 10-foot takeoff zone. I did not recognize many faces. And I’m still babying my shoulder. And I lack confidence because I’m not surfing so much. See? All the usual hangups. It was good to be in the water, to paddle, to readjust my attitude and reacquaint myself with the scene, but I did not catch many waves, just a few leftovers – my fault, as I opted to hang on the side and wait for something to swing wide instead of planting myself in the pack.

But even if I were more competent, having to fight for waves undercuts the joy of being in the water – and joy is the point. The only solutions are to either surf elsewhere, in lesser quality waves, or be good enough that the crowd issue ceases to be so significant.

Although – irrespective of my own situation – this was the worst etiquette I’ve ever seen at this spot. Several times, multiple people dropped in on a wave. I saw boards fly a few times as surfers jerked away trying to avoid collision. A friend who was out commented that although she doesn’t endorse bullheaded localism, some old-fashioned regulation sure would be helpful.

County Health Rankings – What living in Humboldt looks like

When you have kids, or your own chronic health issues, medical care factors into your life the same way eating, sleeping and breathing do – as a potentially life or death component.

I think about all this stuff a lot, especially since I’ve rarely had the right kind of insurance, but the five years in which I did was amazing. When you’ve had nothing or nothing but Medi-Cal your whole adult life, having legitimate insurance is akin to miraculous. Medical staff treats you better. You have options. (I was very sad to see all that go.)

I’ve written before about my hospital experiences over the years. I’ve asserted that the one good thing to come out of being slow to diagnose Nick’s diabetes is that because he was so sick, they flew him to UCSF, which meant we had far better care than he could have received here. Of course, it also meant that we had to drive 560 miles roundtrip each time he had an appointment, but such is living somewhere rural – right?

And maybe we don’t have the broadest, most cutting-edge array when seeking health care here in Humboldt, but we do have all the ingredients for a healthy lifestyle: fresh vegetables, plenty of water, all kinds of outdoor exercise opportunities, strong communities, a relatively mild climate (at least here on the coast) and a culture that supports mediation, yoga and seeking the highest level of emotional health. The bad elements – drug addiction, limited mental health resources, violent crime – those could happen anywhere. Right? And even if you live somewhere with plenty of doctors and advanced technology, if you don’t have the right kind of insurance, you’re still going to end up at the poor folks’ clinic.

So when I saw the latest county health rankings had been released, I looked to see where Humboldt wound up: #34 out of 57.

It’s fascinating.

  • We do well on “Quality of Life” (#9, just below the #1 overall healthiest county, Marin, at #8), but only have about half the number of physicians per capita – although we’re right in line with the state average.
  • We do badly on “Length of life,” coming in at #49 out of the 57 California counties – but we’re improving, which means we have less premature deaths than we used to.
  • For a people surrounded by all the aforementioned healthy lifestyle ingredients, we do surprisingly poorly on “Health Behaviors” – a pathetic #41.
  • Measures by which we are getting worse include obesity, number of people uninsured and number of children in poverty.
  • Measures by which we are getting better are, as mentioned, length of life (do you really want to live forever?), plus we’re getting more physically active, have fewer preventative hospital stays, better diabetic monitoring (yay!) and increasingly good air quality.

The report is wonderfully interactive – again, you can check it out here.

Below, a snapshot of #34 Humboldt vs. #1 Marin.

Humboldt v Marin

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At this point, it’s more like, “Wow, sure got up early today!” but I spent an hour lying in bed wishing I could go back to sleep and wondering what the hell is wrong with me that I can’t sleep, seemingly ever, and I’m going to lose my mind from either sleep deprivation or the worrying that not sleeping allows, or maybe both, and in any case, it’s unfair because I did everything right: I started yesterday early, I went to the gym, I didn’t drink alcohol, I drank nice herbal teas in the evening, I spent an hour reading (paper not a screen) before bed, I didn’t go to bed too early or too late, I practiced meditating, I expressed gratitude, I made a charitable donation to a friend’s fundraiser, I had several perfectly nice social interactions, I ate yogurt and avocado (not together) and to all appearances my children are alive and well, and we have enough money that we’re not going to lose our home and I like my job and I spent an hour as a volunteer reader in my friend’s kid’s class and loved having a chance to read from Light in the Attic again (they seemed cool with it, too) and even my achy knees have been feeling better and I really, really, really want to sleep so that I can wake up and dawn patrol because being tired while surfing, even if my knees aren’t too achy, is no fun at all, although not as bad as just lying in bed the riddled with anxiety, replaying old conversations, making up new ones, imagining and trying not to imagine phone calls alerting me to disaster befallen one of my far-flung children – having children is truly an invitation to heartbreak and I don’t understand why people would put themselves on the line like this – and so after an hour of tossing, of turning, of nudging Bobby for snoring, well, here I am, unloading onto a screen once again.

Notes on New Orleans

IMG_8551It started out simple enough.

“Hey, I’m going to a conference in New Orleans,” my friend Deidre said. “There’s an extra bed in the hotel room. Want to come?

“Yes,” I said. A free place to stay has inspired almost all my travels, and exploring the music, history and vibe of New Orleans certainly appealed.

As the departure grew closer, a Sacramento meeting cropped up, then one in Point Arena. Also, my daughter Kaylee opted to tag along during her spring break, but would need a ride to San Francisco from Santa Cruz.

And then my other daughter, Chelsea, needed to come back to Humboldt to regroup and prepare for her next chapter. She and her dog would be in Santa Barbara awaiting pickup.

Bobby and I worked it out.

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It should be noted that I was working from the road, stressed to the gills, up until Kaylee and I Ubered our way to SFO. Grant report? Check. Weight off shoulders? Check.

Tuesday

St. LawrenceOh, yum. Also, not altogether unlike being in San Francisco: “Our kitchen prides itself on creating simple, thoughtful dishes that showcase the fresh, local and regional produce that serves as the divine crux of our ever evolving menu. We offer a chef-driven, respectfully playful take on Southern and New Orleans classics with an international flair.” Gouda grits!

Bourbon Street. Here’s what I imagined: burlesque and booze and jazz for blocks. Here’s what it was: strip clubs and big-ass beers and terrible cover bands. For blocks. I anticipated historical decadence, not a Spring Break cliché. Live, learn.

IMG_8550Maison Jazz: You could mostly hear the jazz trio over the sound of the partying outside, although every so often, the sounds of “Don’t Stop Believing” or “Psychokiller” bashed their way in from the surrounding clubs. But Maison Jazz provided the first example of what I thought New Orleans would look, sound and taste like. (Rye with bitters.)

The Swamp: Good grief. Do we want three terrible beers for the price of one? No, just no. What we wanted was a balcony. But not like this.

Wednesday

Daylight brought the view. Sometimes I stay in hotels that are nicer than I am. I wish I’d remembered a swimsuit.

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Commerce: Came recommended, but was closed due to a movie being filmed. (Al Pacino. Indie flick. That’s all I remember. Deidre took notes.)

Dress It: Omni hotel café, where, instead of menus, they hand you order forms and you build your sandwich or omelette. Like a deli counter at your table. It was fine.

City Park: They say it’s bigger than New York’s Central. It didn’t feel that way, but I didn’t measure. Ponds, a botanical garden, sculptures, an art museum, the usual accruements. The street car ride leading to the park had passed through nondescript urban zones. Where was New Orleans’ personality? I wondered.

Meanwhile, my friend Ryan sent me a photo of the new Journal. Oh, wow. Suddenly, instead of being sad that I was missing the cover story I’d worked so hard on, I was relieved. This would have been too weird, so much me, all over town.

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Green Goddess: Being a vegetarian in New Orleans limits one’s options. I inhale sea food, but Kaylee is strict – this place, with it’s “uninhibited cuisine and spirits” offered beyond the usual mac’n’cheese options. Like this: “Burutta Pane Grigliato – 1/4 pound of Burutta cheese over fresh made grill bread, topped with pesto and a red gravy both garnished with xtra virgin olive oil, served with a nice arugula salad with fresh local assorted greens, roasted beets, lemon and Sicilian orange oil dressing.” See? Very happymaking. Also, again, like being in California. I was not sinking my teeth into the New Orleans food experience yet… Nonetheless, authenticity-seeking aside, when offered French toast stuffed with dark chocolate and gouda, say yes.

Magnolia Praline Company: Oh, god. The sugar. The nuts. Yes. And a taste legit to the South. A turning point.

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French Quarter, beyond Bourbon Street: Walking around Decatur and Royal and Jackson Square better acquainted us with who New Orleans is. Flowering balconies. Charming buskers. Classier bars – to-go cocktails still available in a plastic cup, of course, but at least the ratio of fine cocktails to hurricanes had increased.

The Sazerac Bar: We put on our fancy clothes. Worth a drink, although at $14 a pop, not necessarily two.

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The famous Cafe Du Monde: Earlier in the day, the line stretched around the block, the expansive patio bursting at the seams. But at 11 p.m., plenty of seating! Decaf chicory coffee and beignets that lived up to the hype. (The “hype,” of course, being that fried dough covered in sugar is going to trip all your deepest pre-evolution wires.)

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Thursday

EnVie Espresso: This exists: “Rumchata,” which is exactly what it sounds like, horchata-flavored rum. If you add Earl Grey tea to it, you will find yourself drinking a “NoLa fog,” which is a perfectly reasonable way to start the day in New Orleans.

(Booze is always an option in New Orleans.)

Carousel Bar: My brother Tag and his wife, who is also named Jen, had flown down from New York. This place was their idea and it was brilliant, like the bar itself, a very merry-go-round, especially with a French 75 in hand.

Frenchmen Street: This is the street you should be on instead of Bourbon.

We took the streetcar to the cemeteries.IMG_8644

IMG_8646Wandering through the crypts and mausoleums may cause you to wonder about your own burial. Advertisements in the restrooms, then, are admittedly well-placed.

tumblr_nm70nbN9EU1qzp87ao2_1280(Via my brother’s Tumblr.)

Bamboulas: Say you’re hungry and thirsty from strolling cemeteries. You want a nice place to sit with some music and cocktails and fried pickles. This would be an extremely suitable choice.

Bywater: If Bywater were in New York, it would be Brooklyn. If it were in Los Angeles, it would be Silverlake. If it were in Texas, Austin. Which is to say, dining, drinking and coffee options are attractive and plentiful. I can’t figure out if the locals are friendly or not. The waiters speak with that honeyed molasses drawl that I want to eat up and the waitresses call us, “baby” and “y’all,” but pass someone on the street and a “good evening” is rare. (Except the older gents. But older gents always say hello or mention how beautiful you are or, as one fine fellow dancing alone to music blaring from his car did, offer to help you with anything you might need.)

We went to a crazy thrift store.

Sbisa: My favorite of all the bars we went to. In addition to tasty cocktails and a pretty balcony, when searching for the restrooms, we discovered that the building apparently goes on forever, with all kinds of staircases and endless nooks.

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Bourbon House: Here is where you will order a flight of rye whiskey and discover you enjoy the Smooth Ambler best.

(Good) Friday

Huck Finn’s: Tried for Commerce again, but it was closed for Good Friday, so we ended up here, served by a 20-something waiter with the aforementioned sweet accent to die for. I wanted to record him, but that seemed a little too weird. And not in a good, New Orleans-weird, kinda way.

Honey Island Swamp Tour: We did see a mama alligator and a baby alligator. I could not get a decent photo of either. The tour included pickup from the hotel and a discourse by the driver on the damage done by Katrina – I couldn’t hear as well as I’d’ve liked, but we passed through areas where the damage had been extensive. (I need to watch that Spike Lee joint.) We also happened to pass by a Good Friday celebration that included three live men tied to crosses. That was a thing.

Jimmy J’s: From the outside, looks touristy. OK, it is touristy, but also boasts an excellent eggplant sandwich and serves breakfast all day. Do not, however, ask the waiter if they happen to have soy milk. You will never quite recover from the eye-rolling. We had some bonus drama when a woman parked just outside backed her SUV into a scooter, knocking it over and flooding the street with gas. (Unlike California, gasoline on the street does not trigger the appearance of a Hazmat crew.)

Royal Street is fun. Especially with people you like.

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Back to Frenchmen Street…

Snug Harbor: Welcoming, hopping little spot. We met up with Deidre and her compatriots from the conference, Olga from the Ukraine/Kansas and Pierre from France (obv). Managed to score the entire front section of the bar, which lent well to long discussions about academia, culture, travel and the sort of related discussions that happen when you’re all drinking whiskey into the night.

Dat Dog: A veggie dog option made me happy because a veggie dog piled with sauerkraut and cheese serves so well as a late night alcohol-absorbing snack. We sat on the balcony and applauded our extremely patient waiter. We decided waiting on drunks is very much like parenting – you need a lot of patience dealing with irrational and easily distracted people.

Saturday

Freret Street Festival: Rollicking brass bands, garlic fries, praline balls, arts and crafts made as if someone cares, strawberry-basil margaritas. I bought Bobby a super-soft T-shirt that says, “I want to be Bayou.” 

From there, the Garden District by way of Lafayette Cemetery No. 2 and No. 1.
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We also took a jazz boat tour.

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This was our last night all together. Some people thought Hand Grenades were a must-have. Another person opted for the more sensible Maker’s on the rocks. Guess who was the least hungover in the morning? Not the people who had to catch a 5 a.m. shuttle to the airport!

Sunday

Everyone else left. I shifted locations to the Faubourg-Marigny district, hunkered down in a little studio rented through Air BnB and spent most of the day writing – because that’s what writers do, even if they are in New Orleans, yes? – except when I put on my blue-and-white dress, the most Easter-y dress I’d brought with me, and ventured out to Tableau (per my host’s suggestion) for a ginger lemonade and fingerling potatoes breakfast and then to Preservation Hall, where the mostly a cappella tunes of St. Cecilia’s Asylum Chorus moved me to tears – an unexpected loneliness had pervaded upon the departure of friends and family.

Later, stomach growling, I forced myself to take a break and tripped back out to the highly recommended Verti Marte for a BBQ shrimp po’boy. Along the way, the New Orleans Gay Easter Parade took me by surprise.

Monday

The Country Club: The morning’s mugginess had me dripping with sweat by the time I arrived, but a cool bowl of gazpacho and watermelon salad on the veranda quickly refreshed. And then I bought a pass to the pool in the back and spent hours alternately swimming, sunbathing, dipping in the hot tub, drinking Bywater Sunrises and reflecting on what good fortune brought me here.

surf session #8

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This is the difference between a surfer and me: A surfer would have brought her board and wetsuit to Point Arena, no second thought about it. The board and tub would have been the first things to the car. In contrast, I worried about how much more complicated hauling stuff down would make an already logistically challenging trip. My car isn’t set up for loading a board and we didn’t have enough room for a surf tub. Given that Bobby was dropping me off in San Francisco, then driving to Santa Barbara before heading back to Humboldt, how would it work to drag a board along? Oh, forget it. The waves will probably be too heavy anyway.

They were not too heavy. What it was, was overhead rights with an easy takeoff – my idea of perfect fun. I watched from the end of the pier, my disappointment in myself magnifying with each enviable ride. Later, other entertainment would distract me – the usual food and wine and whiskey mixed in with shooting pool (badly) and sliding dollars into the jukebox (expertly).

We left for Bolinas in the morning and it was in that odd mix of a town that I was offered a bit of redemption in the form of a borrowed longboard and a rented wetsuit.

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Bolinas reminded me of North County San Diego – cute and beachy and everyone surfs – if you took some rural Oregon town full of grizzled, cranky oldtimers – and smushed the two places together. Half the people look ready for a bar fight and the other half probably had probiotic yogurt for breakfast. (Note: I love the yogurt. Also, bars.) My friend Leila took me to 2 Mile Surf Shop, where the owner said, No more rentals today, trying to get out of here.

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What? No! You have to rent me a suit, I said. What if I bring it back in the morning?

Sure, he said. Booties, too?

Yes, please.

IMG_8455Twenty-five dollars and twenty minutes later, we were paddling out. From the surf shop, the road slopes down to the sand, Stinson Beach to the south, crumbling sea walls and bluffs to the north. Graffiti adorns nearly all the concrete surfaces – most of it is charming, celebratory of Bolinas’ uniqueness, with an overall theme of, Be Cool. A twist of the neck revealed San Francisco’s Twin Peaks tower standing tall in the distance.

About a million surfers dotted the water and yet, somehow, enough room existed for everyone. The waves were waist-to-chest high and mushy, at least user-friendly if not thrilling, and being in the water felt, as it does, like coming home.

Leila said, Maybe a couple more waves, then she’d probably go in.

I nodded, Sure. We’d been out for over an hour and I am supposed to be babying my shoulder – not that these easy waves and near-effortless paddle-out were straining it much. A set came, one of the nicest of the day, and I happened to be positioned just right. The wave took me to the beach, a few-hundred yards of gleeful maneuvering down the face, sunshine in my hair, in my heart.

Sacramomentum

IMG_8284The front desk assures me that the wifi is working. My laptop and phone say otherwise. I remember I don’t need wifi to write, in fact wifi likely impedes writing as being online offers so many shiny distractions. One glance at Facebook and I’m clicking to see exactly how I’ve been cooking rice the wrong way all these years.

Several hours ago, I’d considered climbing out of the nest I’d made of pillows – big, fluffy hotel pillows tucked around me just so – unable to sleep despite being comfy, despite being tired. Another insomnia post unspooled in my head and I thought I might write. But instead, I rearranged myself and tried to meditate. This is a thing I am trying to do. Technically, all I’m trying to do is not think for a few minutes – I don’t sit up and pretzel my legs into a lotus position, I just get as comfortable as I can and, following the directions of the latest how-to article, try to focus on my breathing and only on my breathing. And then I try again. And again. Shut up, brain. And again. I don’t know that I’m achieving much, but the effort at least distracts me from the ceaseless worrying that caroms around my skull at 3 a.m. most mornings. Eventually I fell back asleep. Soon I will get on the road back to Humboldt, to home.

Yesterday was an excellent day. I’m in Sacramento because yesterday was Ocean Day, an annual opportunity to talk to legislators and their staff about coastal health, marine protected areas, sea level rise and trash policy, among other issues. Maybe it sounds boring phrased that way, but the passion, energy and – notably – intelligence of my fellow colleagues not only renews my own enthusiasm, but makes me even more grateful for the people who grok the science, wade through the policy, take the time to help others understand the what and the why and the how, and have the vision and dedication to keep trying to make bad things better and good things great.

I arrived in this world late to the game – not for lack of belief or smarts, but because I was busy having babies and figuring out that part of life instead of going to college and grad school and interning on amazing projects in other countries. Sometimes the awareness that I’m older and less accomplished than my professional peers unbalances me a bit. But mostly it’s okay. Yesterday, I didn’t think about it at all. I ended up leading our team when the assigned person couldn’t make it at the last minute – but I use the term lightly because what our planning actually looked like was four people together making suggestions, creating a plan that complemented each person’s strengths and knowledge and then launching into the Capitol to unleash upon our elected officials. And by “unleash,” I mean, “respectfully inform.” And by our “elected officials,” I mean, “mostly their staff.” Nonetheless, I feel some good was done and any that wasn’t, was not for lack of effort. This work, it matters.

I’m tired. I wish I could curl back up in bed and sleep for a few hours instead of packing up and hitting the road. I wish I could unpack the energy from yesterday. As it is, I’m savoring this liminal space in which the hotel room allows me to exist. My Sacramento goals have been met, but the moment I exit, all the other to-dos, all the worries held at bay, will rush upon me. Since I’ll be driving, not-thinking isn’t an option, but maybe the grandeur of the view will help me breathe.

surf sessions #6, #7

#6: Wow, it’s crowded.

#7: At least it’s not crowded.

surf sessions #3, #4 and #5 aka the return of bliss brain

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#3: Eight weeks. That’s how long since I’d surfed. The most time I’d spent out of the water since I started surfing in 2000. Longer than when I’d fractured my ankle. Dumb shoulder. But the combination of turmeric, acupuncture, massage, salve and trying to be smart about how I was using my arm had reduced the pain from excruciating back to a tolerable soreness, which made me think that a little session would be an okay thing. I had to go to Crescent City for work anyway… and needed to take the truck because I had to deliver signage that wouldn’t fit in my car… so, why not toss in my surfboard and wettie, just in case something fun was happening at South Beach?

It was. Waist-to-chest high sets, lovely little lefts and the occasional right, groomed by the offshore breeze. The sun shone overhead. About a dozen surfers were out. I tugged my wetsuit on, worried that the effort of getting all the neoprene onto all the right parts might strain my shoulder before I even made it to the water (a good argument for moving somewhere tropical!). I survived the pulling, yanking and stretching, however, and lugged my longboard down to the beach. The infusion of cold water into my booties and through my seams reminded me how much I need new versions of each, but the happiness of being in the ocean overwhelmed the discomfort. I remembered this.

I only caught five, six waves. Small, easy, some shoulders, a couple closeouts. My pop-up lacked grace, my turns were not smooth. Whatever. I slid along the sun-sparkled waves and smiled.

#4: I had to go out again, just to go, to keep momentum. Nevermind that the swell had dropped and the waves, if you could call them that, had shrunk to barely more than ankle-biters. I paddled around until something energetic enough came along, caught it, stood up, rode to the sand, called it a morning.

#5: This, this is what I needed. South Beach had been a gentle reintroduction and this, at my favorite spot, was just enough more to be perfect. Sunshine – the new normal – and just the lightest southeast wind. Steady sets, shoulder-high, peeling right and left, wave after wave. For some folks, these conditions would not induce the necessary adrenaline rush, but for me, the conditions were like a red carpet being rolled out. And the crowd! My friends! My people. The first wave I paddled for, I completely kooked out – naturally – and pearled, but all the others – like seeing old friends and the way recognition floods your heart. Once, I would have surfed till my arms were noodles, made myself late for the day’s work. But I’m trying to not hurt myself, so I let a long left take me to shore and clambered out, awash in joy.

The thrill lingered all day. I was so blissed out I could scarcely think – I felt like the silliest surfer cliché. Everything was all good.

So good.

Need want more.

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